


living at the shoreline

by Clavain



Series: litany for survival [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abuse, Bad Communication, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Dehumanization, Episode: s05e18 A Single Pale Rose, F/F, Fantastic Racism, Feminist Themes, Freedom, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Identity, Independence, Internalized Depersonalization, One-Sided Pearl/Rose Quartz (Steven Universe), Pearl's gag order, Pearl-centric (Steven Universe), Power Imbalance, Pre-Canon, Privilege, Renegade Pearl, Rose Bashing, Sad Pearl (Steven Universe), Slavery, Trauma, agency, insensitivity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-14 13:47:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18477487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clavain/pseuds/Clavain
Summary: Pink wanted so much. Pearl gave and gave and gave until there was nothing left.





	living at the shoreline

There are so many things Rose left out.

There are so many things that can’t coexist with Rose. Ideas, feelings that are pushed into the margins. Pearl, herself, is pushed into the margins.

Of course, it was worse when she’d inhabited that fragile hinterland between renegade and possession. To split herself into two separate gems, gems which contradicted each other, was a constant strain. The dissonance was dizzying. For a while she’d thought she wasn’t built for it. But it was what Pink wanted, and wasn’t that what she was built for?

Pink wanted so much. Pearl gave and gave and gave until there was nothing left.

They all tell Rose to live. To turn away from her obsession with transience. She has ended so many gems directly and indirectly, what is this by comparison. What is anything but another war.

Rose has never listened to anyone, but it still surprises Pearl when she chooses the unborn thing over everything they built together, the planet they saved. Pearl thinks of Crazy Lace, of Agate, of the fallen. The ones bubbled underground and the ones they haven’t found yet, roaming in perpetual despair and disorientation. So many left behind. The moment Rose dissolves her form for the last time, Pearl thinks that she’ll finally know how they felt.

Looking out at the sea on a world so far from home, with Rose months from choosing to die (choosing to leave her behind alone with not one person who knows what Pearl is) Pearl can’t help but remember how she’d ended up stranded here.

 

\----

 

Pearl had always liked mathematics and machinery. They had simple rules, simple requirements. Scheduling was her favourite activity. When passed onto Pink Diamond she was pleasantly interested in the work awaiting her. There was pride in doing something right. Fear in doing it wrong, but she’d acclimatised to that by now. There was no point thinking about shattering or torment or possibilities. It had only brought her grief so far.

There was some anxiety in being assigned that particular diamond. Pink was the one with the rages, the one who was unpredictable and explosive and not-right. The idea of belonging to someone not-right wasn’t inherently bad but it could lead to a myriad of bad outcomes. Pearl didn’t want to be shattered.

And then there was the matter of the last pearl who’d served Pink Diamond. And after seeing her, Pearl felt so sick that she thought maybe being shattered wouldn’t be so bad after all.

But Pink was fine, was easy to entertain even though her melancholy always prevailed. Pearl brought her pebbles and helped her practice her magic. There was something about Pink, something kind that Pearl fell in love with straight away. Pink was so much nicer to Pearl than anyone had ever been, except for maybe fellow pearls and they weren’t exactly somebody. And everything Pink did was so fantastic, so impressive. Her magical ability was staggering, her healing was beyond anything Pearl had ever seen and she could even bring life to small stones. They weren’t gems either, the stones. Like pearls.

It was terrifying when Pink broke the rules because it was Pearl whose safety was on the line – why couldn’t Pink see that – but it was also endearing. Sneaking out at night to look at the sky, going to visit the Peridots at work on unscheduled visits. It was a lot of work to sort out Pink’s transport and appointments – to make everything _just right_ , but when she did, she’d see Pink smile and it was all worthwhile. Pearl became oddly protective of Pink. She’d defend her to the other pearls when the opportunity arose, and when Blue made Pink cry Pearl wanted to help. She would have helped, would have been shattered in an eyeblink for Pink, only she knew it’d achieve nothing and the Diamond would rather she were intact.

She was starting to make something on Homeworld. It was small, but it was hers. An inner devotion to Pink, to adhere to helping Pink become as happy as possible. One small, aching, patch of identity. She started trying, really trying to ignore all gems but her Diamond. To forget her history. To forget her training, her conditioning – except for the part that was useful in Pink’s service.

Every inch Pearl reclaimed felt used and cost her something indefinable, something Pink had never had to lose. Brick by brick, she built something new.

 

Then Pink wanted a colony and Pearl’s carefully constructed world shattered. She didn’t know what to say or to feel. Felt stupid for ever feeling it at all. Didn’t think she could make Pink understand what it meant for her to be removed from the only world she’d known – from all fellow pearls, the only beings she could speak freely with, and all the tiny nooks and crannies she’d memorized. And even if she could explain, why should Pink care? She shouldn’t have ever gotten attached. Not to Pink’s tower, not to any of it. That was a lesson she’d learned young and subsequently forgotten. She hoped that next time she would remember that nowhere was safe for a pearl.

Pearl hated Earth. She hated that it had taken so much away from her. She hated how Pink loved it more than her. But most of all, she hated organic life. Back on Homeworld, Pearl had been in charge of a large housekeeping team. Pink had decided to come with as few attendants as possible (Pearl suspected it was because she wanted more freedom) so now cleaning was exclusively Pearl’s duty. And it would have been bad enough if it was the usual – dust, some dirt – but this planet was full of pus-filled wandering monsters who loved exuding fluids over everything. It was disgusting to just look at and it necessitated far more time cleaning than Pearl had, not so short-handed.

The first few months on Earth passed by in a haze of ruthlessly efficient nonstop organization. Pearl had so much to set up and it really didn’t help that Pink was back to her usual behaviour – demanding strange things Pearl had no idea how to acquire, or asking for Pearl’s company when she was sorely needed elsewhere. Pearl obeyed all orders without question and had to make up the time later.

She didn’t have a moment free of planning until they’d been on Earth for about a year. She spent that moment dreaming about when colonization would be complete and they could return to Homeworld together, where she wasn’t so alone, where she had so much less work to do.

 

Pearl blamed herself for Rose Quartz. She had suggested it, after all. She’d been in a haze, exhausted and worried about Blue Diamond’s upcoming visit, trying to draft floor plans for the Human Zoo. She’d been on autopilot. But that was no excuse, because she’d known what she was doing. It had been Pearl’s usual mistake – doing anything to make Pink happy. And it had seemed like such a good idea at the time, so harmless.

She’d never imagined that it would escalate into Pink declaring war on herself. Didn’t have the heart to tell Pink how much work each act of sabotage created for her, not when the whole thing was Pearl’s fault. At first it was easy, because it was almost a game. Then it got far too serious, and Pink was asking Pearl all kinds of impossible things and unanswerable questions.

Some of them, Pearl could learn. Organic life was wonderful. Growth and change were wonderful. In her free time, she came up with new ways of saying them that sounded more sincere. Sometimes she tried to make herself believe them, but she just couldn’t manage it. Not when she’d realized that this was it – that Pink Diamond was never going back to Homeworld. How could she like something that had robbed her of the only happiness she’d ever had?

Sometimes when she saw Pink smile she could almost grasp it. The idea that organic life was good. She didn’t have to fake disdain for the Diamond Authority or gems’ society in general. But it took her a very long time to not flinch when picking flowers for Pink.

Pearl struggled with the new task Pink had given her. It was especially difficult because Pink didn’t say what she wanted. Probably didn’t even know what she wanted. Pearl had to work it out from her reactions with painstaking caution, obsessing over every action as a possible misstep. Every frown from Pink was enough of an admonishment to leave Pearl in absolute despair and self-hatred. And part of her thought about how unfair it was, how Blue and Yellow never asked their pearls to do anything illegal and contradictory. How, if this kept up, she’d end up like Pink’s last pearl.

But it wasn’t her job to question Pink. She had to remember that, to hold it in the centre of her mind like a prayer. If Pink wanted a personal assistant and decoration and renegade, then it was Pearl’s job to make it happen. Pink could demand anything of Pearl – even ask her to do something impossible like fuse – and it’d be Pearl’s fault for failing the order. That was the relationship they had. The only relationship a pearl could ever have with another gem.

It wasn’t that the new work was boring, far from it. She liked it, the danger of it, although she was obliged to remind herself that her feelings didn’t matter. It was just… so… thankless. Her old duties didn’t diminish as their ‘rebel’ activities grew. If anything, Pink put more and more of the work on Pearl. But at least those old activities had tangible consequences. When she used to organize everything perfectly, Pink would have an easier time. Maybe Pearl would see her shoulders relax slightly, or a small smile. And it’d be enough – more than enough – so much. Just to know that maybe she’d helped make Pink happy. But now she did it all and more and Rose just sulked through every part of her duties as Pink Diamond, waiting for an opportunity to sneak away and play rebel.

There was no joy in the work anymore. No satisfaction, or even recognition. And Pink, well Pink seemed to think she was liberating Pearl. To think that they were secretly friends, that their immovable master-slave bond was something that could be discarded when convenient. Pearl didn’t have the luxury.

The road to the rebellion was lined with traps. Questions like “What do you want?” that Pearl quickly realized had right and wrong answers. It wasn’t that Pink ever said no, or that she’d said something wrong. She didn’t need to. Just the skin on her brow creasing, just a hand clenching halfway into a fist. Pearl had spent her life learning exactly how to read Pink. She wasn’t physically capable of displeasing Pink, or going against her in any foreseeable way. If she could, if she could just have gotten past that agonizing compacted ball of emotions then she was sure things would have been different. That Pink would have listened.

 _This is it._ Pearl told herself grimly while doing three simultaneous tasks, trying futilely to bring Pink’s court back in order. _She can’t want more than this. What more is there? I won’t be able to deal with it if she tries to do more. I have to tell her that this is it. It’s what she’d want – what she’d want the Renegade to say._ But she knew that it wasn’t what Rose wanted to hear, so she couldn’t say it.

 

The fusion.

Sometimes Pearl felt like she was barely holding everything together. But that – bringing someone else into it – living a double life while observed, to have to put on two incompatible personae flawlessly enough to fool multiple gems-

How could she do that? How could she do it, when everything was already so hard?

All it would take was one mistake. One incorrect address in either venue and she’d either crush Rose Quartz’s fledgling happiness or else embarrass Pink Diamond horribly, which realistically meant being shattered.

And there was something else, too. The fusion wasn’t like her. Didn’t have to walk around Pink on tiptoes, didn’t have invisible puppet strings that only needed a few trigger words to take away what little agency Pearl had. It made Pearl so angry that the fusion got to contribute to their insignificant little plans. Got to properly argue, to fight her corner, to ask Pink probing questions. They were equals. And it had been okay that Pearl hadn’t been Pink’s equal because, beyond the idea being inconceivable, no one was. She was a diamond. Everyone served her. But now Pink had an equal. Now there was someone to perform for whenever they were outside of the municipal palace. And for Garnet it wasn’t a performance. Pearl felt deeply uncomfortable with the lie.

It was that, and Pink’s insistence that Pearl somehow fundamentally change who she was to the Renegade, speaking as though the Renegade was Pearl instead of a performance supposed to be just for her Diamond, that finally got Pearl talking on one trip from Garnet back to the warp pad.

“I’m,” Pearl searched for the best way to say it, “I’m not sure I can manage this.”

“Oh?” Pink was distracted. Looking at the vegetation.

“It’s just a lot. All the, the admin. I need some help. Maybe some peridots. They’d listen to me if you told them to, and then I could do so much better at the whole rebellion side.” Pearl felt silly for asking anything. Like she was admitting she was defective. But she knew that if she didn’t ask, she’d snap and the consequences would be terrible. She berated herself internally – she was supposed to be an asset to her Diamond, not a liability.

“I’ll make sure Yellow sends some over.” Pearl was startled out of her unhappy reverie by Rose’s smile. Everything in Pearl relaxed at the honey in her tone.

“Thank you so much!”

Rose laughed and patted her head affectionately. Pearl glowed all the way home.

 

Their rebellion grew. They even had a name – the Crystal Gems. It made Pearl laugh. She couldn’t help it. To have Pearl working so hard for this project and then for it to have a name that categorically excluded her – it was too much. She wouldn’t tell Rose why, reassured her it was a very nice name. Maybe she’d forgotten that pearls weren’t gems.

She left Homeworld behind and made a home out of Rose. In many ways, Homeworld was a better home. She’d been more comfortable there, at least more comfortable than she was at the beginning. It didn’t pain her to give it up for Pink, but it did pain her to then also have to give up Pink Diamond herself and protect Rose Quartz in her place. It’s just – their relationship was the same. Other people not knowing didn’t change that. But Rose acted like it was different, repeatedly refusing to appreciate the massive amounts of effort Pearl put into playing the Renegade, acting like Rose was the one helping Pearl.

All of those thoughts seemed very ungrateful. She couldn’t remember having ever met or heard about a single pearl with a life as rich and exciting as hers. She got to learn how to fight. To try and protect her Diamond. And one day, if they really saw it through, Pearl would enjoy the kind of freedom Rose loved talking about.

In the meantime, there were meetings on both sides. More admin to juggle, and although the peridots helped take the edge off, Pearl still found herself having to micromanage everything in order to bring it up to an adequate standard for her Diamond. With the training and scheduling, her life was a relentless nightmare whirlwind of stress and obligation. She didn’t have time to think about what life would be like afterwards; to think about how to persuade Rose to stop her angry tirades at herself that she pretended were motivational speeches to the troops; or how to persuade Rose to stop deceiving all these gems.

Freedom was all about uncertainty. Pearl didn’t know what to tell Rose. Wasn’t sure Rose even wanted to hear what she thought. And what if she had wanted to? What if that was what she had wanted all along, and Pearl had failed her by not communicating? That would be worse.

So, Pearl kept silent. When comrades fell in battle and their schedule went haywire she didn’t let herself stop or mourn, just threw herself further and further into her work. Fighting was so much harder for her than any of the others, almost impossible when combined with the rigidity of life as Pink Diamond’s Pearl. She had to relearn morphing from scratch – it wasn’t something required of a pearl on Homeworld. When the war is over, she’d think, but she wouldn’t think about what would happen when it was over. Just that it would be over.

 

The first time Rose suggested it Pearl was too aghast to properly argue.

“There’s got to be another way.” Pearl said. It was the closest she’d come to disagreeing with Rose. White Diamond would annihilate the planet – all her friends, the gems who thought of her as an equal. All gone, most likely.

“We can leave our old lives behind. I want to live here with you. We’ll both finally be free.” Rose embraced her and there was nothing Pearl could say to that. Rose must have known what she was doing. The warmth and love were overpowering and it would be wrong to pick holes in something Rose believed in so strongly, something so clearly motivated by justice.

She’d do anything for Rose. And anyway, it would be easier to mount a rebellion if she could drop one half of her obligations. She almost wished it were the other half – it was easier being a Diamond’s pearl than the Renegade. But if she could choose, she would always go for the latter. It just didn’t feel like she was being given a choice.

Pearl practiced the shattering and all the while she was asking herself why it didn’t feel right. Because it was everything she’d wanted, right? To be seen as an equal by Rose – that was why she resented all the other Crystal Gems and their indulgent dismissal of her abilities, right? So why did it feel so bad?

She thought that it was a turbulent time and they both had a lot to deal with. They could talk about it later. After the war, or even just after the event of the shattering itself. They’d have thousands of years to work it all out together.

 

Mere moments before the main event, Rose passed down an absolute decree. Pearl found the silencing abhorrent and incomprehensible. That Rose chose not to trust her after this long living a double life, that she’d be anything but dedicated after giving her everything-

And if it wasn’t for that, then why? So Pink Diamond could run away from who she used to be even though it would mean robbing Pearl of her identity? And why now? A fake shattering would be difficult enough without all this internal conflict. Pearl was profoundly wounded that their freedom had to start that way. Rose didn’t ask her. Rose had never asked her. And, the worst part, Rose didn’t need to ask her because Pearl would always be there scrabbling to put everything Rose broke apart back together anyway. She’d already been ready to pretend that nothing bad ever happened at all. She’d have done it without being asked. Didn’t need to be ordered.

Pearl thought that Rose didn’t understand. But she also didn’t try to understand.

Pearl pushed it all aside out of necessity. Tried to be happy that she could finally satisfy Rose if she did this one thing. After that, she could devote herself fully to becoming the Renegade. Then maybe she could start to learn Earth like the other Crystal Gems have had time to do. Find out all the beautiful little places, like she had back on Homeworld. Start to actually appreciate organic life.

If she gave it enough time and thought, it would be possible to become the Renegade in earnest. Especially now her old obligations were gone. She could enjoy the persona and performance outside of wartime, grow into the role so Rose would never have to fear her discovery.

But before she could become that new gem, she had to impersonate Rose Quartz of all people. To actually – actually strike her. It’s not the hardest thing Pearl’s had to do, but it’s close.

She closed her eyes and breathed in. Soon.

 

White Diamond retaliated for her fallen sister.

It hurt so much more than Pearl had thought it would. She’d hoped – foolishly hoped – that Rose might have made provisions to save more of them. More than just her and Garnet, at least. Instead, the former diamond acted surprised. It was worse that her tears couldn’t heal corruption. So much worse than Pearl had prepared herself for.

 _They aren’t shattered._ Sometimes Ruby said it like a blessing, other times like a curse. They still saw what was left of their friends. Pearl felt so guilty. She should have argued with Rose. Should have tried to make her more cautious. Instead she’d jumped at the reduced workload, and now she was surrounded by the screaming consequences of their selfishness.

Pearl comforted Rose robotically. She couldn’t help but feel angry – what did she think would happen, staging her own shattering? It had been obvious that barely any of them would survive it. Garnet has split apart. Pearl tried to help those two – the least guilty of the survivors, who did nothing to deserve this unlike her and Rose – but she couldn’t find the words. Earth was seeming less and less like a paradise to Sapphire and more like a prison. Pearl couldn’t argue with her because she felt the same way.

There wasn’t much time for mourning, not with their corrupted friends running rampant. Pearl began the work. She was with Rose – she’d given everything for her. That should have been enough.

 

\------

 

Pearl opens her eyes and stops thinking back. It had gotten easier after the war. They’d fused and she’d rediscovered her boundaries, managed to make something with Rose and Garnet. Then Amethyst turned up – the first gem to see Pearl as an equal without all of Homeworld’s preprogramed expectations – and she’d been so free. Sometimes it had all seemed worth it.

She just wishes she could tell Garnet. The thought shakes her – makes her feel like Rose was right to give the order. But she can’t help it. Doesn’t want to lie to someone she’ll be spending eternity with. Wants a shot at really being her friend, which can’t happen when Garnet doesn’t know the truth about her identity. That, while she did grow into the Renegade, she also never left her Diamond. Without that, the person Garnet thinks she knows is not Pearl.

And after Rose is _gone_ it’ll be impossible for Garnet to find out. A part of Pearl wants Rose to be held accountable and have to explain why she’d done it all. Even if Garnet did find out, there’d be no point with Rose gone. And Pearl can’t speak of it at all. Even if she could, she wouldn’t. But it would be nice if someone did.

Possibilities are pointless. Pearl digs her fingers into the sand, tears welling in her eyes.

The string of human relationships hadn’t seemed dangerous. Why hadn’t she tried harder to court Rose, to split her away from Greg? It seemed like a game. Like he’d be dead relatively soon and she’d have Rose to herself again. The unfairness grates her – that Rose could reject her after everything she’s done. After giving Rose so much. To instead choose a human – someone fragile who she’d inevitably outlive – it’s almost preposterous.

“Pearl?” Pearl involuntarily holds her hand over her mouth the second she hears Rose’s voice. Has to fight the learned urge to make herself quiet and small. “Are you okay?”

Pearl doesn’t reply, but when Rose puts a hand on her shoulder she grabs the bigger gem (so big now she has a parasite inside her) and sobs into her. She smells beautiful. What will Pearl do when she loses her? When everything she’s done will have been for nothing?

“It’s okay.” Rose says, stroking Pearl’s hair. “You promise to look after my child, don’t you? It’ll be like I was at the beginning.” Her eyes are frosted with nostalgia. Remembering Pearl helping her sneak out to watch the stars on Homeworld, no doubt. Assuming that Pearl will go through it all again, assuming without asking. Pearl wonders if the person Pink Diamond has become is her fault. For indulging her too much, for not learning to challenge her. Perhaps if she’d been stricter, if she’d spoken up more, then Rose would have listened and Garnet wouldn’t have to suffer the lie.

Pearl sighs. There’s no question that she’ll raise whatever Rose lives behind. Although she’s learned to push back against Rose in recent years, her resistance has only ever been for inconsequential things. She can’t go against Rose’s dying wish any more than she could resist the idea of the staged shattering.

“I will look after her.” Pearl says solemnly. “I will protect her like I protected you.” Without hesitation, without any thought for her personal safety. The idea sits bitterly in her throat, but the alternative is impossible.

Rose hums in affirmation. Pearl leans against her and wonders where all her anger towards Rose will go when she is gone. She can’t express it now, not when the former diamond is so close to dying. Maybe it will disappear. Maybe it will collide with the love and explode into nothingness. And what will she do with everything she learned about Rose? Her preferences, the way she expresses emotions, and how to navigate them perfectly – to give the impression that her actions are natural and effortless instead of carefully constructed for Rose’s comfort. All those years, her life’s work, where will it go?

It rises in her throat: the fury of being stranded on this alien world, of being taught to rely so heavily on someone who is choosing to disappear. Pearl watches the sand fall between her fingers. Wants to hit Rose, wants to kiss her, wants to ask why she’s never been good enough. But she doesn’t. She looks at the sunset.

With freedom it has always been one step forward, three steps back. But maybe when Rose is gone that will change. Maybe she can start to live for herself. She certainly couldn’t manage to do it with Rose here, despite all the encouragement and everyone else’s impressions of her.

The irony of it strikes her (to be free, her liberator must die) and she can’t stop laughing. Rose shoots her a quizzical look, but Pearl doesn’t explain. She doesn’t owe her an explanation. Instead, she enjoys the modicum of power the exchange gives her.

 _One day._ She promises herself. _One day I’ll find a way to tell Garnet._

**Author's Note:**

> heavily influenced by [this audrey lorde poem](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/147275/a-litany-for-survival).
> 
> rewrite of [ this ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7379593) because that was written before mr greg/ a single pale rose and it’s so different now. i reused some of the old fic in this one, just a few phrases and ideas.
> 
> this fanfic has a sad ending, but remember that later pearl gets steven (who is the best) and manages to tell everyone and generally conquer her demons. go pearl and personal agency!!!!


End file.
